Leeds psychotherapist talks about sex and porn with her children - and says other parents should too

Deborah Vickerman, 50, says porn can change teenagers expectation of sex with themselves and their partners. She says it can lead to performance anxiety and body dysmorphia – and encourages parents to talk to their children about sex to "de-shame it".

Deborah, who helps those with compulsive sexual behaviours, wants to change the stigma and judgement surrounding sex and porn addiction to stop people thinking there is "something wrong with them". The mum-of-two talks openly about sex and porn in her home and says it would be "great" if other parents did too.

"We talk about sex a lot," she said. "I don't think my teenagers enjoy it. We're curious about sex from an early age so it's important to talk about it de-shame it from the start. It would be great if parents could talk to their children about it. Children look at porn as educational. It changes their perception of themselves and partners and creates performance anxiety and body dysmorphia. It would be good if schools would have more of a conversation about porn."

Deborah was a teacher for 18 years before retraining as a therapist after seeing the impact of porn and sex on people around her. As a teacher, she noticed how phones and social media were affecting children. She said: "It was just awful. There was a lot of shaming – like slut shaming. Young people are not being supported."

She says children can be exposed to porn from an early age and it can cause problems if it's not a conversation that has been opened up with them. "If we're not talking about it, it can cause problems," she said. "We want to help keep them safe online and have appropriate conversations with them from a young age. We can develop the conversation more an more as they go through puberty."

Deborah says compulsive sex disorders have been judged, meaning individuals feel there is something wrong with them. She said: "It's different to an addiction. We can live our lives without alcohol or gaming but we can't deny our sexual desires. If we're denying sexual desires, it creates internalised shame."

The therapist receives emails from people who think they have an "issue" with porn or sex. She looks at what is happening and their sexual history to help work out what it is that brings them pleasure. She then works with them to manage their obsession. Deborah said: "If it's a porn obsession, often it's because they are bored or stressed. It's not always for sexual release but to self soothe. We find them other ways to self soothe. Let's be conscious of our relationship with porn and sex."

She added that she dislikes online assessments which assess if you are a sex or porn addict. "They are judgemental from the start," she said. "They are tailored for men and don't consider genders. I see more men coming in for help than women. I really wonder about how many women out there are struggling with the stigma as a barrier."

Deborah encourages anyone struggling with a compulsion to seek support via COSRT – the College of Sexual and Relatioship Therapists.